To lull the Despair

That feeling of utter despair .I don’t know when and why it comes, it doesn’t necessarily come unannounced; it always knocks .It’s in my head I can feel it ,most of the times I like to fall asleep or sleep on it and with sleep the despair dies too. And when I wake up I am reborn.

When this depression comes my brain almost stops to process any thoughts, all I am aware of is the constant gnawing at the pit of my mind telling me to end, end this lifeless existence.

Some people when they feel low or melancholy tend to think of all the bad things that have occurred in their lives, but in this case I remember or recall nothing sad or happy .I draw a blank and it is this void of feelings / nothingness that further plunges me into a certain eerie form of darkness that seems to have no inhibition of its own .It’s like being dead .Only that I know that I am not but at that moment death seems to be the only way to run away from this dull lull.

I just finished watching a movie a Japanese movie .I started watching it halfway .This girl recounts memories of a boy who had the same name as hers in school. It’s beautiful; I’m falling short of words as usual. I’ve come to realize that I use a variety of words while describing something i do not like, like a trashy movie. But in this case there’s only one word. The movie ended five minutes back and well I feel sad; the boy died .Death, closure, happiness how could they.. .Death, even the idea of death is so painful. To relate and link it to a lingering smile seems almost repulsive.


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