A place to sit

The abandonment of child hood comes back.
That afternoon in 2nd  grade when I had retorted back to the leader(friend) in our group.She’d decided I couldn’t play with them any more. I sat alone looking at all the girls and boys of my class play. I did not care much for the type of game or if it was fun. The 45 minute long games period was coming to an end and in that span of time I had gone from having  seven people to play with to being alone.
It seems me to me now that a convenient unspoken compromise had broken between us.
I did not have a choice I did not want to be left alone
I walked up to them, apologized and they accepted.I  played with them in the recess. I had got back my sense of comfort. The security that lacked love, that lacked warmth;that had come back to me. I was not left alone.
When everyone is taken except you. You know you deserve better, you are not evil or unpleasant. But you stand alone as you decided to leave, to depart from a certain comfort. A comfort you may have gotten too used to.
Then nobody wants you, because you did not beg hard enough or weren’t overtly explicit.

Then you sit alone, foolishly try to run away from this predicament.You distract your mind with the colours around you; you almost succeed till you are alone with yourself again.
One cannot go back to what you left and the other spots are filled to its brink. I do not have the right to claim what I left, I do not wish to either.
They do not want to share their playing space with me, they do not need anyone more. They are content. They do regret they say, they may even console.But it is occupied they say; inconvenience regretted.

One or two will come up to you and say that if they knew that you were abandoned they would have picked you and not the other one.

The other one that is never you.
The abandonment of child hood comes back.
The others do not wish to play with you.
The game is complete without you.


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